Monday Mornings

I love Monday mornings. I think it's a couple of factors:

1) technically it's my Tuesday, because I work Sundays.

2) and because of reason 1, I'm already ahead if everyone else in my week!

But most of all, I think it's because I'm alone Monday mornings. For the first hour of work, it's just me and the still mess of the morning. It's beautiful. I do dread when the clock hits 8 am, because Chatty will be calling me. Not because he calls, but because everyone else will be following close behind. But I'll take this hour to meditate, find calmness, and see the cute little face of Ronald, our Jersey/Holstein calf.
 

Money Money Money

Last night I had a dream I found money.  Like $500 worth.  I just remembered and decided to google what dreaming about finding money meant.  One said:

"To dream of finding money, denotes small worries, but much happiness. Changes will follow." (experienceproject.com) 

Well, that's interesting!

Here's another:

"To see or win money in your dream indicates that success and prosperity is within your reach. Money represents confidence, self-worth, success, or values. You have much belief in yourself. Alternatively, dreaming about money refers to your attitudes about love and matters of the heart. It is a common symbol for sexuality and power. In particular, finding money indicates your quest for love or for power." (dreammoods) 

What's going to happen!?  I doubt much, but I like taking things out of a dream and seeing what they mean.  Then relating it back to my life to see if my dreams are a reflection of my life.  I have been feeling more confident, definitley have been feeling more self-worth than I have ever felt before.  So I think in some ways it does represent pieces.  I don't know if I'm on a "quest" for love, though I wouldn't mind being in a relationship.  But I don't think I'm on a quest for power... Unless it means running a dairy farm here.  Then yes, I am ;)

 

  

My First Kill

Yes, that is a chicken, fresh.  I have killed chickens, and I did slaughter rabbits once, though I was mostly watching.  But today, I did it all.  From beginning to end.  

There were 13 roosters over at our other chicken coop.  No, they did not come down with Marek's Disease thank goodness.  We order a straight run, but sometimes a rooster or three gets mixed in.  Well this batch had 13!  They had not started to reek havoc on people yet, but they were a little rough with the ladies.  We didn't want it to get worse.  Roosters are not known to be very polite.  I've been attacked by a few.  Though the rooster I grew up with, Mr. Clucky, was always a nice guy.

Anyway, it was a weird experience, but I'm happy that I did it.  I wasn't sure if I could do the killing - the slitting of the jugular.  I knew I could do everything else.  I was determined though to do it.  I didn't give myself time to think.  Because thinking to much only meant I was thinking about myself, and not the rooster.  The faster I did it, the less pain he suffered.  We let them bleed out, then dunked them in hot, hot water.  We had to let it really soak down to the skin so the feathers would be easier to pluck (we were plucking by hand).  Let me tell you, if that water is not hot enough or you don't let the bird soak long enough, it is not fun pulling feathers.  Then off came the feet, head, neck, insides, a good wash to make sure the blood didn't stain the carcass, and in the fridge they went.  We won't be able to really eat these birds, but they'll make good soup.  I'll need to find a good recipe.  Or maybe chicken pot pie.  Yum!

Sorry I don't have a before picture.  I'm not sure if that would be appreciated or not...

Ma Cuisine Numéro Six

I had a great weekend.  I went and met a friend on Friday and hiked around Mount Greylock, and then decided that I really needed to see my best friends - so I went and saw four of my closest friends.  It was VERY needed.  It felt so good sitting around the living room, talking, laughing, having a few drinks.  I felt so happy.  

I came back to NY today feeling more positive about being here.  Not that I was feeling terrible, but I'm feeling better.  I'm taking everything out of this experience here.  I'm not going to put every ounce of energy into Thanksgiving Farm.  I know that sounds weird.  But I'm not putting every ounce of energy into Thanksgiving Farm because I build expectations on the place.  That's a lot of what I did at Gould Farm - and I left very heartbroken.  No, here I'm putting every ounce of my energy in to my job.  I'm going to learn everything I can.  Things are going to happen, but I'm here for myself.  Obviously I'm not going to just go to work and come home.  But the changes that will happen here at The Center and Thanksgiving Farm are nothing that I can control.  What I can control is what I take out of the place.  

Tonight I cooked Balsamic Glazed Butternut Squash Pasta.  The original recipe calls for sweet potatoes, but all I had was a butternut squash.  Delicious!  I cooked up the squash, added balsamic vinaigrette, cooked up some pasta, added it too the squash along with some spinach and kale.  So good!  And so easy! Except peeling the squash was a little annoying...

  This is courtesy of A Farmer In The Dell

 

Namaste

I think I'm totally becoming addicted to yoga.  Last weekend I had the best yoga class.  I need to make sure I go every week.  I also decided to get some yoga books from the library.  It's such a beautiful activity.  I felt so calm.  I've been doing it every day this week after work.  Today I especially needed it.  I came home with a headache from stress, and it's gone!!

I haven't been feeling so happy lately.  And things have just been weird at work - my bosses telling me weird things, making me feel a little incompetent.  And last night, poor Lakes got stranded an hour and a half away in the middle of the Catskills because the lights on the trailer went out.  He was bringing 10 ewes to slaughter.  So I left here around 6:30PM to go help him, didn't get back til close 10.  Oh and before that I locked myself out of my house after being all happy I got out of work early.  Crap happens, but the thing that set me off was one of my bosses telling me to "try" to read and prepare to lead our study group today on biodynamics, after I called to tell him that I didn't think I'd be able to because I had to go get Lakes.  I pretty much lost my sh!%.  Seriously!?  I was so angry.  Lately I've been feeling like no matter how hard I try, I can just barely stay afloat.  And I've been doing nothing but write reports this winter.  I'm tired of staring at the computer screen.  I want to help fix things!  I want to be out with the animals!  I want to be a farmer! I get it, I am the manager and there is always a ton of papers to do, but I've been writing report after report since the winter has started.  I need to learn things too.  I came here to get all the experiences.  I need to put my foot down, create outdoor time and indoor times.  

I also haven't really felt like myself at my job yet.  I feel like I've always been able to be aggressive (sometimes too aggressive), but since being here I haven't been able too - just walking on egg shells all the time.  For some reason I just feel a little intimidated sometimes, or being too flexible, or just trying to make people like me.  Yes I want people to like me, but I don't want to be a pushover either!  I know I'm a strong woman.  I can do it because I have done it.  

Just trying to be present.  It's hard to stay present, and be deliberate with my actions.  But it feels so good when I go to bed at night and realize that I have been very present and deliberate throughout the day.  

"Someday this will all make perfect sense."

I also want this dog.  She's so freakin' adorable.  
 
http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/25049074   

When There is Death, There is Life

I spoke of this a couple entries ago, but when there is death, there is life, just like when there is life, there is death.  The new gilt  had her piglets early this morning.  I think I'll call her Caroline after the Queen of England who reigned in 1823 when the first Berkshire pig (who is from Berkshire County, England) came to the US.  She had 8 alive and only one dead.  Not to bad for a newbie!  But I'm pretty nervous, because Caroline is pretty nervous.  As I was watching her today, she was running all around stepping on her poor babies.  She just didn't really seem to understand what has happening.  Hopefully she'll calm down, and won't cause any more death.

All 200 chickens were culled (aka kill, but cull sounds a little nicer) yesterday.  We also culled one of our old rams too.  Geesh.  This weekend has not been so good. We are also sending 10 ewes and 4 pigs to slaughter!  This week doesn't seem much better either.  But with 8 new babies, it adds a little brightness among all that is farming. 

 

TGIF

 I have not done a TGIF post in a while I think!  Here's what I'm feeling this week:

How Am I Trusting?

I've been dealing with some winter blues.  After the holidays, I've really been missing my family and friends.  I've been reaching out here in NY more, but I have not been feeling great connections with people.  At the same time, I'm actually finding it hard to put energy into making those connections.  Part of me is saying, "I have those connections already!  I don't want to do it all over again!"  But those connections are not in Sullivan County.  They are in Albany, VT, MA, OH, HI, GA - everywhere but here.  This is something that I have never felt before.  When I'm with people I find I'm distracting myself and wanting to be at home.  And when I'm at home, I feel as though I should be with people.  Which is very different than wanting to be with people (which I do!)  It's a very weird mix of emotions.  But, after listening to Pema Chodron today, I need to trust the present moment.  I can't do anything about yesterday no matter how much I long for it.  And tomorrow will bring what tomorrow will bring, there's no way to control it.  And, which I think is really important, is not telling myself that I'm falling backwards on my path of self-improvement, but that this is just a steeper part of the path.  I can trust it'll flatten out again.

How Am I Grateful?

I am grateful this week for the Christmas present my brother and sister-in-law gave me.  It's all about understanding your finances and how to control them.  Corny, I know.  But I have never understood any of my finances.  All I know is that I have loans and I have to pay them off, and it's going to take 100 years to do.  Then maybe after that I can buy a house or go on a big vacation.  But this book is so easy to understand, and I feel like for the first time I can really do this - get out of debt in a reasonable time and invest in the future.  I am grateful for light I've never seen before.

How Am Inspired?

I'm actually very inspired by my friends.  The New Year brings new resolutions, and I enjoy reading what and how everyone is doing with them, whether it's diet, fitness, trying a new hobby, or really embracing each moment of life.  All resolutions are struggles, but it seems like this year there are more people willing to try than I remember in the past.  It inspires me to keep up my resolutions - my health, money, staying in touch with friends and family, taking the space I need from work to put 100% of myself into my job.

How Am I Practicing Faith?

I always feel like this goes along with "How Am I Trusting?"  I think that I am practicing though, by feeling my feelings - not over analyzing why I feel disconnected from many people here, but just know that I do.  Not over analyzing past relationships (which I have been doing recently for some reason I don't understand), but just working on telling myself that everything happens for a reason.

Happy Friday Everyone!

  

 

Wwooo!

What a week!  It's been three very long days.  I wanted to get 40 hours in three days so I can have a two day weekend.  I did it!  I may have to go in a breed cows over the weekend, but that's ok.  I can deal.

Last Sunday I went on this beautiful snowshoeing expedition.  I wish I could have gone longer but had to meet up with a friend.  It's was absolutely gorgeous!  And I felt AWESOME.  It's been a long time since I've been outside.  Here's happy Angie:

This week was a good week at work.  Bad news of the week though - all of our chicks have a virus called Marek's.  It can be vaccinated for, but unfortunately poor decisions that were made before I got here and they weren't vaccinated.  The 2011 birds were vaccinated, but it's only 95% affective.  So, a couple of birds of the 2011 batch were probably sick and recovered but they still shed the virus.  We cleaned the coop but did not sanitize it.  Then we put our chickies in.  The virus can take up to 12 weeks to show in the birds.  We've been loosing birds since November.  I haven't said much about it on here, because we had no idea what it was.  I didn't want to cause panic.  I can see it now - "BIRD FLU! SALMONELLA!"  It's neither.  It's not contagious to humans, just super contagious among chicken populations.  It causes paralysis.  I had a meeting with the CEO last week, who said to cull (or kill) all of the infected flock.  It's sad, but it makes sense.  There is nothing you can do for this disease, and we could loose 80% of our flock.  And whoever is left would have to be quarantined from any other bird we bring in. It's simpler this way.  It's going to be sad, because I've watched these birds grow from day 2 of life.  This is the sad part of farming...

But when there is death there is life.  We'll have 2 pigs having piglets this month, one for the first time.  I'm a little worried because it is her first time - momma pigs tend to roll on their babies and kill them on accident.  So we'll have to keep a very close eye on her.

This was my morning today, moving cows out to pasture.  I love this refreshing aspect of my job.    

Farming is Not Simplicity

I just got done reading The Dirty Life by Kristen Kimball.  A friend gave it to me to read and it's taken a while to do so.  But I finally pulled it off my shelf two weeks ago and only really have put it down in order to go to work.  It's a great book.  It makes me so excited for the spring to come, it reminds me of why I love farming, it makes me realize how much I miss just farming.  With this new job I have had to do more paper work and projects.  I miss going out there with the animals and doing chores.  I think that's why I love and value my early morning and evening animal checks - because it's just me and the animals.  It calms me.  It's a connection that I just don't get anywhere else in my life.  And I think that's why I miss milking cows so much.

This book also helped me figure out why I get so annoyed by people who say farming is a simple way of life.  It sounds so demeaning and patronizing.  A few months ago, a chef intern was at the farm for three weeks.  Her and I became friends and I greatly enjoyed her company while she was here.  But one conversation we had just rubbed me the wrong way, but I couldn't exactly understand why or come up with the words to fight her on it.  She said, "You guys have a very simple life." She meant it in a admiring way, saying that a lot of people long for that.  Why did this bother me so much?  I just wanted to shout, "Simple!? What does that even mean!?"  The word makes me feel very like a very boring human being.  That I choose not to do anything for fear of being vulnerable or that I'm too lazy.  I know for a fact I am neither of those things.

But while finishing The Dirty Life, I came across something that just hit me, that explained my feelings about farming being simple so well:

"A man we know bought up a big piece of good land nearby, a second home, and once, at a dinner, I heard him say, 'In my retirement, I just want to be a simple farmer.  I want...tranquility.'  What you really want is a garden, I thought to myself.  A very, very small one.  In my experience, tranquil and simple are two things farming is not.  Nor is it lucrative, stable, safe, or easy."

Perfect.  Farming is not simple.  It's early mornings, late nights.  It's fighting mother nature but working with her at the same time.  You are surrounded by life and death everyday.  It's dependency on something that can only be controlled to a certain, very short point.  If farming was simple, wouldn't more people do it?  Isn't it more simple to go to the grocery store, buy a dinner where all you have to do is take it out of the box, put it in the oven and wait 30 minutes and it's ready to eat?

I don't live a simple life, neither does any farmer I know.  I'm lucky that I farm for a company, where what I grow doesn't directly affect my income.  I know I may complain about not getting a two day weekend (but that is a little different - I do work for a corporation after all), and it's good to be reminded of a life I could have in this field of work.  But I love what I do because it's not simple.  I want the highs and lows of farming.  I have amazing stories to tell, skills to take with me anywhere in my career and life.  And it was not a simple day on a farm that got me here.  It's been 9 years, and I don't plan to stop.  

Ma Cuisine Numéro Cinq

First day back to work from vacation.  Work wise it was fairly successful.  I really took my time with things.  It felt good.  But it's hard coming back from being with friends and family to coming to a place with, well, not so many friends and no family.  

I came tonight and decided to make something off my favorite blog.  Yum!  White Bean and Kale soup.  Besides kale and white beans, I added onion, garlic, potatoes (which were part of the recipe) and then sweet potatoes and garlic.  It's actually fairly delicious.  I didn't know how it was going to come out - I've never made soup before.  So proud!