"To be fearless isn't really to overcome fear. It's to come to know it's nature."

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The journey of a single woman, farming and living life without judgement.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Namaste

I think I'm totally becoming addicted to yoga.  Last weekend I had the best yoga class.  I need to make sure I go every week.  I also decided to get some yoga books from the library.  It's such a beautiful activity.  I felt so calm.  I've been doing it every day this week after work.  Today I especially needed it.  I came home with a headache from stress, and it's gone!!

I haven't been feeling so happy lately.  And things have just been weird at work - my bosses telling me weird things, making me feel a little incompetent.  And last night, poor Lakes got stranded an hour and a half away in the middle of the Catskills because the lights on the trailer went out.  He was bringing 10 ewes to slaughter.  So I left here around 6:30PM to go help him, didn't get back til close 10.  Oh and before that I locked myself out of my house after being all happy I got out of work early.  Crap happens, but the thing that set me off was one of my bosses telling me to "try" to read and prepare to lead our study group today on biodynamics, after I called to tell him that I didn't think I'd be able to because I had to go get Lakes.  I pretty much lost my sh!%.  Seriously!?  I was so angry.  Lately I've been feeling like no matter how hard I try, I can just barely stay afloat.  And I've been doing nothing but write reports this winter.  I'm tired of staring at the computer screen.  I want to help fix things!  I want to be out with the animals!  I want to be a farmer! I get it, I am the manager and there is always a ton of papers to do, but I've been writing report after report since the winter has started.  I need to learn things too.  I came here to get all the experiences.  I need to put my foot down, create outdoor time and indoor times.  

I also haven't really felt like myself at my job yet.  I feel like I've always been able to be aggressive (sometimes too aggressive), but since being here I haven't been able too - just walking on egg shells all the time.  For some reason I just feel a little intimidated sometimes, or being too flexible, or just trying to make people like me.  Yes I want people to like me, but I don't want to be a pushover either!  I know I'm a strong woman.  I can do it because I have done it.  

Just trying to be present.  It's hard to stay present, and be deliberate with my actions.  But it feels so good when I go to bed at night and realize that I have been very present and deliberate throughout the day.  

"Someday this will all make perfect sense."

I also want this dog.  She's so freakin' adorable.  
Nina: German Shorthaired Pointer, Dog; Ithaca, NY 
http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/25049074   

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