TGIF: "Journey to the Heart"

Here is my TGIF post.  How long has it been since I've written one of these!?

How Am I Trusting

I'm trusting the moment.  I've been so caught up lately in my future, in my frustrations.  It's been very helpful for work and my personal life.  I bought this book called Journey to the Heart.  It says, "Let your mind see what your soul already knows: things are working out perfectly."

How Am I Grateful?

I am grateful for where I am in life.  Even when I get frustrated by it.  I'll be quoting this new book of mine a lot I think!  "Maybe you are where you are today for a reason other than you thought."  I need to repeat that to myself over and over again when I'm feeling lost, frustrated, and confused.

How Am I Inspired?

I know I've used this one before, and it sounds like I have an ego, but I am inspired by myself.  Working with how to be comfortable alone and not be lonely.  And to learn how to be myself!  It's always a continual journey right?  And to remember that I have the power to choose everything (or mostly) that's in my life.  "You have the power to create joy by choosing what feels good to you.  The time for joy isn't later.  The time for joy is now."

How Am I Practicing My Faith?

Probably with this book.  I use to be so good at meditating, and have gotten out of the habit of of it.  This book has helped me remember all that and ground myself again.

Summit

I apologize for not being as active as I use too!  My internet connect is not as consistent, but by next week it hopefully will be - I'm moving (again)!  I'm actually kind of excited about it.

This past weekend I had to work.  No it wasn't haying (though my last entry lied, I am not done haying. Long story and I'll get into that later).  But The Ranch had it's Strategic Planning Summit.  It was a good weekend in the end.  Though I don't feel that The Ranch is going to necessarily be supportive of my ideas of work program, it was great to be a part of this.  I've never had a job that's been organized enough to sit down and plan 3-5 years from now.  Kind of crazy, and gives a good feeling of hope that not all jobs are unstable as the ones I've had in the past.

I brought up my opinion on a stronger work program, which I think was received well.  Though I had supporters, I felt that many people thought that our work program was "cutting edge" enough (those words were used).  I wish I had been able to form the following thought at the summit instead of last night, but I finally figured out how to put what I feel is missing into words:

The Ranch was started to support people with mental illness.  It provides a caring, supportive, empathetic, nonjudgmental environment for those individuals. But now we take people with addiction issues.  A completely different population than that of mental illness.  People with addiction issues are not stupid - they have been manipulating the system for years.  Unfortunately the same thing happens here at The Ranch.  I don't believe our work program is providing enough stimulation for the addicts in our system.  While people with mental illness may be incapacitated by their illness and medications, the addicts I've worked with are not.  Why not provide more stimulation for them here?  Work program is the best place to start.  

I know I have to be careful with what I say.  But it finally feels good to have words with the feelings I've felt for a few months now.  Whether or not I can expand the farm program I don't know yet.  I think that I could.

Meanwhile, remember that garden I started earlier this summer?  Here are some yummy veggies from there!  It's done decent with broccoli and green beans.  The tomatoes not so much.  But I'll throw a bunch of compost on it and it should be fantastic next year!

Haying Complete!

After working through the weekend, Monday we baled 751 bales of hay.  751!  We met our need for the winter, and even had 300 that we couldn't fit into the barns.  Unfortunately the field isn't the nicest that we have, but it's more of a favor to the neighbors (who are some of the nicest people I have ever met, by the way).  

It is so nice to know that I'm officially done with haying.  Hopefully.  There is another neighbor who is anxious for us to start his fields, but we have no place to put it.  Sorry buddy!

Now that I am done, I feel like I can start prioritizing other projects for the ranch, such as our permanent fencing, some minor (but probably will turn into a huge) restructuring of our corral, and starting a new proposal for the farm department at the Ranch.  All very exciting.



  

Confessions of a Theraputic Farmer, IV

Sometimes it's the little things that make the biggest difference in someone's day.  I have one resident on my crew who has not lifted a finger in years.  Getting through a day has been very difficult for her - her physical stamina just can't handle it, then emotionally she starts to judge herself because she's not meeting these expectations. But she also falls back on being weak because it's easier than working and facing her issues.  So Friday we were working in one of our pastures that's being taken over by thistles.  I mean these things are two and a half, three feet high.  The cows will not even go near them leaving a good foot diameter of good grass uneaten.  We drove out into the field and the resident and I were talking about music.  Instead of shutting the truck off and listening to silence, I left the truck on and the radio turned up so we could all enjoy it.  The resident was so happy.  She kept saying, "Angie, thank you so much.  Having the music is making all the difference."  She ended up working the entire day, her first full day in the two weeks she has been here.

Sometimes you just have to meet someone half way.  

In other news, I had a nice breakfast with the E.D of the Ranch this morning.  We were talking about work program, and it was refreshing to hear his support on growth of the program.  I brought up dairy and honey bees, and he was very excited about it.  Obviously it wasn't anything formal, but he said, "We need to grow our work program again.  Our residents use to build houses.  We can't do that now necessarily because of insurance, but if we can grow and our insurance covers it, then by all means we should do it."  I told him it was very refreshing to hear that from him.  And has got me excited.  I know, the last entry was me trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing with life.  But I've decided (as of last night) I need to just focus on the present.  Until I actually know I have to move on I'll stay.  There is a difference between the feeling of having to do something and wanting to do something.  Everything I feel right now is want, not have.  And it's exhausting.  So here begins the practice of sitting, the practice of acknowledging my feelings of wants, and waiting to see if they turn into haves.  

Wedding Extravaganza

I apologize!  It's been 13 days since I last wrote an entry.  Things have been a little crazy (that's always the excuse right?)

Last weekend one of my dearest friends on the earth got married.  The week was chaotic and the wedding was beautiful. Watching her the day before the wedding, I felt pure happiness for her.  She was marrying the love of her life.  I have never seen her look so happy, or so lost in the clouds as she did Saturday.  The bride and groom also have an amazing group of friends that are hopefully my new friends too!

This weekend brought up a lot more for me than I thought it would.  I hope that one day I can be in the same situation as her.  I'm not crying in my room at night because I'm not in a relationship, but what a beautiful thing it is to be able to share your life with someone else.  I've known plenty of people who have gotten married (especially this summer.  Really, is there something in the water?)  But watching two people you know so well make that decision and go through the process, it fills me with happiness and loneliness at the same time.

Meanwhile, I'm back in VT trying to make hay but it keeps raining, getting ready for another move, trying to figure stay how to make the farm more meaningful for the residents, and trying to see what my next steps with my own life should be.  I know, I just got this job.  But being so involved in this weekend has made me see somethings.  Yes I am single and there is no potential relationship in sight for me.  Instead of fighting back feelings that I'm missing something out of my life, why not embrace it?  Some legitimate traveling could be in my future.  I won't go into detail here because I have a lot to think about.  But why not consider it when I have no one to "think about" except for myself?  And of course Bravo, but he's pretty much attached to my hip after the experience in NY.  We'll see what the future holds.

Here's my toast to the beautiful bride and groom from this past weekend.  Enjoy!

Hello Everyone!  My name is Angie, and I am the Maid of Honor for the beautiful bride Deirdre. 

Deirdre and I met the summer before freshman year of college when we were roommates during a summer program at UVM.  We became pretty instant friends.  I blame her for last 9 years of multiple injuries from rugby, as she was the one that got me playing.  Without Deirdre, I don't think I could have made it through my undergrad.  She was my constant support through tough classes, boy drama, and decisions that would affect the future. 

Some people may wonder how a mathematician and an archeologist are compatible.  Or maybe it was just me that giggles over that idea.  After dusting out some cobwebs (and the internet), it was some rules of math that helped me make a little more sense of this wedding we are celebrating today.

There is a rule called the commutative property of addition – A + B is the same as B + A.  There is also one for multiplication – A x B is the same as B x A.  These answers are constant – no matter how the equation is written, the value is always the same.  2 + 1 and 1 + 2 always equals 3.  Deirdre + Andy and Andy + Deirdre = Love.  I know, it's corny.  But I could have also sang Paula Abdul's “Opposites Attract”, but you don't want to listen to me sing. 

Dig a little deeper into the cheesiness.  It's the idea, the constant.  No matter how you put Deirdre and Andy – no matter where they go, what they decide to do with their lives together, the value will not change. 

There is no denying that this property goes beyond a math class for you both.  I am so happy for you.  So happy that you both have been able to find that other part of the your equation to create that constant.   

  

Confessions of a Theraputic Farmer, III

Sometimes I just get so frustrated with my job (be warned - I plan on venting here).  All week I had to listen to one of my residents complain about how inefficient the Ranch is.  Today I kind of lost it on him.  I don't think what I did was inappropriate, but it wasn't perfect.  We were labeling bags of wool with our name on it for sending it off to the spinnery Monday.  The only roll of tape I could find took me 10 minutes to find and it was the last 15 minutes of crew.  There were four of us, so yes, it wasn't efficient.  And it's not like I didn't try to make it more efficient.  But I could have been spending 20 more minutes looking for a freakin' roll of tape!  

Anyway, he kept complaining about how inefficient the process was, blah blah blah.  I tried to explain how I tried to find tape but couldn't, how this was just a project to get us to the end of crew and that it didn't need to be about efficiency.  But he wouldn't stop.  So I said, "You know, why don't you three finish up from here.  I'm going to call it a day."  I tossed them the roll of tape and marker and left.  Was it perfect?  No way.  Was it inappropriate?  I don't think so.  I feel a little bad, but sometimes actions are louder than words.  When they criticize the process, they criticize me.  I have been struggling for weeks on how to make this a better, stronger program for residents.  Hearing this does not help, and yes, it hurts my feelings.  I will express all this to the resident tomorrow and hopes he understands...

This is the challenge I have with what we do, with what I'm suppose to do.  I can't help but compare the Ranch to the Farm.  Maybe if we had more production, it would give the residents more of a feeling of a job, that they have expectations that they have to meet.  This is where I think the Farm is stronger.  There are more opportunities for ownership to be taken.  But, where it falls short is that (especially on the Farm Team at the Farm) is that there is too much production and in the end the staff have to add it to their work day, creating an imbalance and unfairness among the staff.  I know that the Ranch is not 100% efficient, just like the Farm isn't.  And the idea behind what we do is about creating a safe place for people, having them slowly figure out what they need to get back on their feet.  I have a little feeling that the work program at the Ranch is more to give people something to do versus gives them something to take ownership of.  Hhhmm, that's an interesting thought.  The Ranch has a  lot more to offer when it comes to therapies - AA, Dual Diagnosis, Humans Anonymous, Hearing Voices, yoga, meditation.  There are activities every weekend.  But at the Farm residents cook meals for the community, they bake for the retail bakery, they are in charge of the pig chores, they run a CSA, they work at a restaurant.  Both programs offer a lot, but I believe that's where my frustrations lie.  How can the work program be used in such a way that the residents feel that they are contributing to the community and therefore themselves?  How can get them out of their inner struggles into reality? 

I'm back at my struggle of how to make the work program more work than busy work.  Don't get me wrong, work is work on the farm, and it all has to get done.  But to the residents it seems like busy work.  How can I teach that it's not?